The Answer Man

 The Answer Man

Everyone wants to meet Arlen Faber to hear his words of wisdom, the world famous author of the bestselling spiritual book. “Me and God” but the crotchety, disgruntled, unhappy Arlen simply wants to be left alone. All that changes when troubled  bookstore owner Kris Lucas, over-protective single mother Elizabeth and Arlen develop a friendship as they all struggle to come to terms with their past. All the characters in the story become interconnected and realise that as much as their problems are personal, they need the company and good graces if others to help them get through their life.

ARLEN FABER	ELISABETH
KRIS LUCAS	ANNE
DAHLIA	TERRY FRASER
MAILMAN	MRS. GOLD
ALEX	RILEY LUCAS
PAUL	JOURNALST
ROSS	BUSINESS MAN NO.1
CUSTOMER

SCENE

TERRY’S OFFICE. 

T.V. INTERVIEW JOURNALIST:	We would like to do a full expose on Arlen Faber. It would coincide with the release of the 20th anniversary of “Me and God”. People want to read this story. I’ve read “Me and God” twelve times, for Chris sake.
TERRY:	Sorry.
T.V. INTERVIEW JOURNALIST:	He listens to you, Terry. If I could get five minutes with him, it would mean everything. He redefined spirituality for an entire generation.  It’s been translated into over 100 languages. This book…
TERRY:	(PUTTING UP BOTH HANDS TO STOP HIM) Arlen Faber isn’t going to talk to you. This year or any year. Arlen Faber doesn’t do interviews. He’s refused an audience with the Dalai Lama. He has turned down millions in appearances fees. What would make a man do this you ask? Because Arlen Faber came in direct contact with the creator himself. Can you imagine how much that would change you? He isn’t even like us anymore. He has no concern for worldly affairs or possessions. He has been touched by the divine and he has given us the only thing that he could – which is “Me and God” and if that isn’t enough for you, then God help you. (CURTAIN)

SCENE

ARLEN FABER’S SITTING ROOM.

ARLEN:	(DOOR BELL RINGS) Fuck! Shit! Motherfucker! Fucking cock! Get a fucking machine. Fucking God Damn! Fuck fuck fuck! (OPENS DOOR) Oh, terrific.
POSTMAN:	I didn’t want to leave this on the doorstep. It might be important. You never know who might snatch it.
ARLEN:	(GLANCING UP AND DOWN THE EMPTY STREET)
POSTMAN:	Mr. Faber sure gets a lot of mail. Is he here to sign for it today?
ARLEN:	No, he isn’t.
POSTMAN:	Ever since I took this job, I’ve been hoping to meet him. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
ARLEN:	Tough break.
POSTMAN:	Yeah. Would you mind signing for it today, please? My hands are shaking, I apologise.
ARLEN:	(SIGNS AND RETURNS THE BOARD)
POSTMAN:	(READING THE NAME ON THE FORM) Prince Berefton.
ARLEN:	That’s me.
POSTMAN:	There you are. Can I ask you a small question? What is Mr. Faber like?
ARLEN:	You’d hate him! (SLAMS DOOR SHUT. TAKES A SEAT ON THE SOFA AND OPENS HIS PACKAGES. IT IS THE STORY BOARD FOR THE COVER OF HIS FAMOUS BEST-SELLER, “ME AND GOD”. READS NOTE) This is what we’re sending out. Thoughts? Call me, Terry. (FLINGS IT ASIDE. UNWRAPS A BOX. PULLS OUT A TOY FIGURINE. ADMIRES AND SMILES HAPPILY OVER IT)

SCENE

ALCOHOL REHAB LOBBY.

MAN:	Remember what I said about fear.
KRIS:	Fuck everything and run?
MAN:	Or face everything and relax.
KRIS:	I know.
MAN:	Remember, when you get out of here, the first thing you want to do…
KRIS:	I know. “Stay sober. Get a sponsor and stay sober.”

SCENE

KRIS’S MESSY DINING ROOM. 

KRIS:	Dad! I’m home.  (DAD’S DRUNK AND SLUMPED OVER ON THE SOFA) I’m back. (PAUSES) Dad?
DAD:	(SNORES)
KRIS:	(JOINING HIM ON THE SOFA. DAD WAKES UP. WATCHES TV)
DAD:	I missed watching this with you when you were gone. You know, I’ve been thinking… maybe it might be good if you and I took a trip together, you know, just get the heck out of here, huh? Remember that time we went camping?
KRIS:	We didn’t go camping, dad. We got lost in the woods. Usually campers have a tent, water, food.
DAD:	Yeah camping, just like the good old days. Might do you some good you know.
KRIS:	I have to go. I’m going to go meet some friends in a while. I’m making burritos. You want one?
DAD:	No, thanks. Just coffee. (SIPPING HIS COFFEE) It’s like liquid angels.
KRIS:	Ha.
DAD:	Things aren’t going too well at the bookstore, huh?
KRIS:	I’m not panicked yet, probably because I’m sober.
DAD:	You still going to those AA classes?
KRIS:	I’ve been to 28 of them straight. It’s good sometimes. I don’t know, I don’t know. It’s a lot of whining, I guess.
DAD:	(NODDING) I went to one of those once. People there made me feel like the luckiest guy alive, you know what I mean?
KRIS:	(NODDING) Yeah. If you want to go again, I could scout out some meetings for you. I could…
DAD:	No. (REACHES OVER AND PATS HIS SONS CHEEK) You look good, son. I’m glad. I’m glad. (CURTAIN)

SCENE

KRIS’S BOOKSTORE. THE BOOK TRADER.

DAHLIA:	(ENTER WITH A LARGE PILE OF BOOKS IN HER HANDS) Don’t be mad! Hey, Kris, don’t be mad. Okay, it’s not a big deal but don’t be mad. Just—okay, just don’t be mad, okay?
KRIS:	Um… You lost the keys for twenty-seven days.
DAHLIA:	Yeah.
KRIS:	The store was closed for twenty-seven days.
DAHLIA:	I didn’t have anyone else to call. So I had to wait for you to be released.
KRIS:	Released? I wasn’t released. I’m not a criminal. I was having a problem with alcohol.
DAHLIA:	You attacked my umbrella.
KRIS:	What?
DAHLIA:	You did. You were screaming at me and you were really drunk. And it was scary
KRIS:	I’m sorry I scared you, Dahlia.
DAHLIA:	I’m sorry I lost the keys and the store was closed, Kris.
ARLEN:	(ENTER WITH A TROLLEY FULL OF BOOKS)
CUSTOMER:	(ENTER. LOOKS AT ARLEN FABER’S POSTER. PICKS UP A BOOK. SPEAKS TO DAHLIA AT THECASH COUNTER) I actually sat in his presence. He actually said to me, “Dominica, you are awake.” And I said. “I actually thought I was.” Because my guru said I was, but then somebody said I wasn’t, so I actually wasn’t sure. That is-- like
ARLEN:	(STANDING IN LINE AT THE CASHIER) Hey pretend person, if you’re done hallucinating, I’d love a shot at being a customer in this place.
KRIS:	(ENTER)
DAHLIA:	Welcome back. (EXIT)
KRIS:	Can I help you?
ARLEN:	Yes, these don’t work, I’d like to sell them. If my conscience would allow it, I’d burn them, but instead I’ll take pennies on the dollar.
KRIS:	You’ve read all twenty-one volumes of “Unlocking the Door to the Heaven Within?”
ARLEN:	Yep and it still lacked.
KRIS:	I’m sorry. I’m afraid we can’t buy any books right now.
ARLEN:	Oh well, I’m afraid I can’t keep these in my house right now, so…
KRIS:	So if you could just come back next month…
ARLEN:	So if you could just get the manager…
KRIS:	Oh… I am the manager.
ARLEN:	Ah… (TAKES ALL THE BOOKS FROM THE TROLLEY AND DUMPS THEM ON THE CASH COUNTER)
KRIS:	I can’t afford it. It’s been a tough couple of months.
ARLEN:	Fine. That’s just fine. You can have them free of charge—my gift to you.
KRIS:	I’m not supposed to owe anyone anything right now.
ARLEN:	Uh-huh. (CONTINUES TO DUMP BOOKS ON THE COUNTER)
KRIS:	Stop! Look! It’s been a little slow. The store’s been closed for awhile. We’re just getting up to speed.
ARLEN:	Let me guess—you were off giving lap dances at the piercing festival.
KRIS:	(MUTTERING) God grant me the serenity to accept the terrifying bullshit I cannot change. (NORMAL VOICE) I’m sorry. Maybe next month. Right now I can’t afford it.
ARLEN:	Fine. (PICKING UP HIS BOOKS) That is just fine. All right, well, let me tell you something my little friend. You…  (GRUNTS IN PAIN AS HIS BACK HURTS) You are going to take these books. (EXIT)
DAHLIA:	Come again. (CURTAIN)

SCENE

ARLEN FABER’S SITTING ROOM.

ARLEN:	(ANGRILY FLINGING BOOKS ON TO A PILE) Relax, I need to relax.  (PUTS ON CLASSICAL MUSIC. BENDS DOWN AND CAN’T STRIAHGTEN UP AGAIN) No, I refuse to accept this. No I do not accept this. Ths is bullshit. I do not accept this. (MOANS IN PAIN. SLOWLY STRAIGHTENS UP AND SUCCUMBS TO THE PAIN. LIES ON THE FLOOR. STARTS LAUGHNG HYSTERICALLY) Phone. Terry. Home. (PHONE BEEPS. RINGING)
TERRY’S VOICE:	Hello?
ARLEN:	Terry, Terry, you have to come over.
TERRY’S VOICE:	Why are you yelling?
ARLEN:	My back is out. Now I need you to come over.
TERRY’S VOICE:	Again? Try asking god for help.
ARLEN:	He won’t take my calls. You do. I’m on the floor, get over here.  (PHONE DISCONNECTS) Terry? (LAYS ON THE FLOOR AND FALLS ASLEEP. DAY DRAWS TO A CLOSE)
TERRY:	(ENTER) After seven years it might be time to have that looked at.
ARLEN:	I have. It didn’t help, obviously.
TERRY:	Shall I take a picture for your fan club?
ARLEN:	Thank you for turning the music off. I mean it. Thank you. Now help me.
TERRY:	(TAKING A SEAT ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO ARLEN) You know, I was a nobody in a big firm of somebodies when I found your book. Just a stack of scribbled pages, really. Sitting at a coffee table at a party for God-knows-who. Conveniently nobody wanted to talk to me, so I sat there and I read it. It was marvellous. You gave me a career. You changed my life. Now if I don’t help you, you will probably shit your pants.
ARLEN:	Agreed. Help me.
TERRY:	You are a disaster, Arlen and these days you are not my only disaster. I am successful and therefore have many.
ARLEN:	Is there a rest stop between me and the end of this story?
TERRY:	What did you think of the book I sent over for the 20th anniversary? Did you like it?
ARLEN:	Not now, Terry.
TERRY:	Did you like the jacket with the raised gold letters?
ARLEN:	I loved the gold letters, loved them.
TERRY:	How about the picture?
ARLEN:	God damn it, it doesn’t matter. It’s all meaningless bullshit.
TERRY:	It’s not meaningless fuckface. I won’t help you if you won’t help me.
ARLEN:	Alright, you win. I loved the gold letters and the picture was fantastic. Now help me.
TERRY:	There is no picture and the letters are blue. (PUTS THE MUSIC BACK ON AND LEAVES. ARLEN SOBS. NEXT MORNING WAKING UP) I’m lying on my back. (GRUNTS. TURNS HIMSELF OVER. CRAWLS OUT OF HIS HOME ON ALL FOURS)

SCENE

STRAIGHTEN-UP HEALING CENTRE.

ELIZABETH:	(ENTER) Ok Anne, eleven o’clock.
ANNE:	(CONTINUES STRAIGHTENING UP THE ROOM)
ELIZABETH:	Oh that’s fine, leave it. Anne, it’s fine. Look everything’s going to be fine. Debt, waitressing, chiropractic school. I did not go through four years of doubt and terror to tank in the first month. Everything is going to be fine.
ANNE:	Fine.
ELIZABETH:	Be back in five minutes. (EXIT)
ARLEN:	(ENTER. CRAWLING ON ALL FOURS) Any objection to me being next?
ANNE:	Next? Uh, do you have an appointment?
ARLEN:	Does it look like I planned this?
ANNE:	So you are a new patient. I just need you to fill out this paperwork… but you can’t do that. I’ll just take your picture because that’s what we do with all new patients. (TAKES HIS PICTURE) Okay.
ARLEN:	When I can stand, I will kill you.
ANNE:	I’m just going to let the doctor know you’re here.
ELIZABETH:	(ENTER)
ANNE:	Elizabeth. He’s a little disgruntled, I tried to take his picture. He said he was going to kill me.
ELIZABETH:	Okay, I’ll take care of it. (TO ARLEN. POINTS TO THE MASSAGE TABLE) Follow me. Right this way, follow me.
ARLEN:	(CRAWLS BEHIND HER)
ANNE:	(EXIT TO INNER OFFICE)
ELIZABETH:	You’re doing great. My name is Elizabeth and…
ARLEN:	Please don’t show me that lame little rubber model of vertebrae. Let’s just focus on me being able to walk out of this little tea party forever. What do you say?
ELIZABETH:	All done?
ARLEN:	Please help me.
ELIZABETH:	(BENDING OVER HIM) Okay, is the pain here? Yeah ok, I’m going to get you up on the table. You can do it, I’m going to help you. You can do this, alright? Okay. Yes. Okay good. Just a bit more.
ARLEN:	(SCREAMS AS HE MANAGES TO GET ON THE TABLE)
ELIZABETH:	Okay, I’m going to be right back.
ARLEN:	Don’t leave me here.
ELIZABETH:	I just have to tell Anne to clear my patients for the next hour. I’ll be right back.  (RE-ENTER) Alrighty so… what’s your name?
ARLEN:	My name?
ELIZABETH:	Yes your name. Who are you?
ARLEN:	Arlen.
ELIZABETH:	(MASSAGING HIS BACK) Okay Arlen, I’m going to help you and when you leave here today, you might not be cured, but you are going to feel a lot better, I promise.
ARLEN:	Agh! (SCREAMS IN PAIN)
ELIZABETH:	Okay. (CONTINUES MASSAGING)
ARLEN:	(GRUNTS. STARTS LAUGHING IN RELIEF)
ELIZABETH:	I think you are good for now. Sit up nice and slow, walk across the room.
ARLEN:	(WALKS ACROSS THE ROOM)
ELIZABETH:	Better?
ARLEN:	You are so… amazing.
ELIZABETH:	(SMILES)
ARLEN:	I mean, no one has ever done that before. No one. How did you do that?
ELIZABETH:	So, well I don’t know. You are still a little bit out of whack. But you do resemble something further along the evolutionary chart.
ARLEN:	(SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS) How much do I owe you.
ANNE:	(ENTER)
ELIZABETH:	Two hours, $175.
ARLEN:	Okay (PULLS OUT HIS WALLET AND PAYS)
ELIZABETH:	Oh no! That’s too much.
ARLEN:	Take it. You’re a miracle worker.
ELIZABETH:	(TAKES THE MONEY. SMILING)
ARLEN:	When can I… should I come back?
ELIZABETH:	You should be fine for about a week, so next week. Thank you Arlen.
ARLEN:	Faber. My name is Arlen Faber.
ANNE:	(LOOKS AT HIM IN ASTONISHMENT)
ELIZABETH:	(NODS ABSENTMINDEDLY)
ARLEN:	My name is Arlen Faber.
ELIZABETH:	I believe you. (HANDING HIM A CARD) Next week, Arlen.
ARLEN:	Thank you. (EXIT)
ANNE:	That’s Arlen Faber!
ELIZABETH:	Who is Arlen Faber?
ANNE:	Holds up the book she’s reading.
ELIZABETH:	So that’s Arlen Faber.
ANNE:	That’s Arlen Faber. (CURTAIN)

SCENE

ARLEN FABER’S SITTING ROOM.

POSTMAN:	(AT THE DOOR) I forgot one. Have a good one Mr. Faber
ARLEN:	Bye.
POSTMAN:	I knew it! You’re Arlen Faber. (THRILLED) Oh I can’t believe it. I have read “Me and God” forty times. My mother is not going to believe this. Oh my god. (HOLDS OUT HIS HAND FOR ARLEN TO SHAKE. ARLEN RELUCTANTLY AND BRIEFLY SHAKES IT) Oh, I feel like I’m shaking the hand of god himself. (ARLEN RETRIEVES HIS HAND WITH A SHOW OF DISGUST) Can I ask you a question?
ARLEN:	Yes I will pray for you, believe me.
POSTMAN:	No, that’s not my question. Just one, please.
ARLEN:	One question, on condition. You can never and I mean never, tell anyone that I live here. Swear it.
POSTMAN:	I swear it. I swear it.
ARLEN:	(NODS)
POSTMAN:	Mr. Faber, is there such a place as hell?
ARLEN:	Yes, there is. I think it was Sartreartre who said it best, really. When he said, and I quote, “hell is other people.” (SLAMS DOOR SHUT ON POSTMAN)

SCENE

KRIS’S BOOKSTORE.

KRIS:	(READING LETTER OUT LOUD) “…attempts to contact you in the past have failed, so we are forced to resort to this final action.”
LITTLE GIRL:	(ENTER) Excuse me, I’d like to sell you this book.
DAHLIA:	Okay. “Consciousness Without an Object.” Wow, sixth grade is different from how I remember it.
KRIS:	Why do you want to get rid of this?
LITTLE GIRL:	I just found… I found… (PULLING OUT A PIECE OF PAPER AND READING) I find the idea that you can use a conscious object to consider non-objective consciousness absurd. This book is poison to me.
KRIS:	Uh, I’m sorry. I’m afraid we can’t buy any books right now. How did he get you to do this?
LITTLE GIRL:	He said he’d split the money with me.
KRIS:	(GIVES HER A DOLLAR FROM THE TILL) Do not split this with him.
LITTLE GIRL:	Thank you. Bye.
DAHLIA:	The guy does not want his books. God! Where were we?
KRIS:	(CONTINUES READING) “If you do not respond to our request for full payment, we will have no further choice but to blah-blah-blah. Red words, blah-blah, hate, rescind. Sincerely, first masters bank, celebrating one hundred and fifty years of your success.”
DAHLIA:	No. (TAKES THE LETTER AND CHILDISHLY SCRATCHES OUT THE WRITING WITH A PEN)
ELIZABETH:	(ENTER. HOLDING HER BUSINESS FLYERS)
DAHLIA:	Hi.
ELIZABETH:	Hi. Can I? (POINTS TO THE NOTICE BOARD)
DAHLIA:	Oh, post away.
ELIZABETH:	Thanks.
DAHLIA:	(READING THE LETTER TO KRIS) Okay. “Mr. Lucas, you have failed. We have no other choice but to celebrate one hundred and fifty years of your success.”  That’s better. Yay!
ELIZABETH:	Excuse me, do you have “Me and God?”
DAHLIA:	(LAUGHS AND POINTS TO THE PILES OF ARLEN FABER’S BOOKS)
ELIZABETH:	(BUYS THE BOOK AND LEAVES)
CUSTOMER:	(ENTER. ADDRESES KRIS)
KRIS:	I don’t think we’re going to get any for two weeks, everyone’s asking for Robert P. Parker. I don’t think we’re going to get any for two weeks, maybe three.
CUSTOMER:	Do you mind if I wait? (A BOOK FALLS OFF THE SHELF. THEN ANOTHER AND ANOTHER)
ARLEN:	(ARLEN FABER IN DISGUISE IS TRYING TO INSERT HIS BOOKS ON THE SHELVES)
KRIS:	Hey. Sir, sir. (KRIS TRIES TO CONFRONT HIM AND SNATCHES AT ARLEN’S COAT)
ARLEN:	(ESCAPES OUT OF THE STORE BUT LOOSES HIS COAT TO KRIS)
KRIS:	(READS THE LABEL INSIDE THE COAT) Tailored exclusively for Arlen Faber. (CURTAIN)

SCENE

STRAIGHTEN-UP HEALING CENTRE.

ARLEN:	(CRAWLING IN) Oh god, it’s bad, it’s bad.
ANNE:	Elizabeth will be with you in just one minute, Mr. Faber.
ARLEN:	I think I can sit. (PLACES TOP HALF IN CHAIR)
ANNE:	Excuse me a minute. (EXIT TO INNER OFFICE)
ARLEN:	(STRAIGHTENS UP. ADJUSTS HIS CLOTHES AND HAIR. LAYS ON THE MASSAGE TABLE)
ATTRACTIVE LADY PATIENT:	(STARING AT HIM)
ARLEN:	What?
ATTRACTIVE LADY PATIENT:	(EXIT)
ELIZABETH:	(ENTER. ATTENDING TO ARLEN) You have a lot of tension in your upper back today.
ARLEN:	I was out running the other day, had a little fall.
ELIZABETH:	(PLACES A HEAT PAD ON HIS BACK) Okay. I’ll just let you sit for a couple of minutes and I’ll be right back.
ARLEN:	Stay. Stay and talk to me.
ELIZABETH:	What do you want to talk about?
ARLEN:	Let’s talk about you.
ELIZABETH:	Okay. I moved here from San Francisco. Um, this is new. I just opened. I have a son who is seven years old.
ARLEN:	A son?
ELIZABETH:	(NODS)
ARLEN:	I love kids. They’re short highly emotional people who don’t know anything. They rely on their creativity and imagination to get by in the world, a world I might add, filled with giants. An amazing feat.
ELIZABETH:	That’s lovely. I never thought of it like that. (TURNS TO LEAVE)
ARLEN:	What about me? Don’t you want to hear my story?
ELIZABETH:	Yes. (TAKES A SEAT)
ARLEN:	Okay. Thank you (HAPPILY) I moved to Philadelphia ten years ago. I’m trying to write a book about the history of monsters in movies and literature. One day I hope to find a cure for people who listen to techno. (BOTH LAUGH)
ELIZABETH:	I read your book.
ARLEN:	Oh great! (SITTING UP ABRUPTLY)
ELIZABETH:	Careful!
ARLEN:	I mean, thank you.
ELIZABETH:	I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that.
ARLEN:	Is that good?
ELIZABETH:	Yes, yes.
ARLEN:	Oh. (SMILES)
ELIZABETH:	Those were some of the best answers I have ever heard. It’s beautiful. Really. Does God still talk to you?
ARLEN:	Now more than ever.
ELIZABETH:	(SMILES) Excuse me a moment (EXIT)
ANNE:	(ENTER)
ARLEN:	I’ve been thinking it over and I want to give you my phone number.
ANNE:	(PAUSES) I have a boyfriend.
ARLEN:	Not for you. Incase you guys are too busy and have to cancel an appointment. That’s the reason. (HANDING ANNE A PIECE OF PAPER FROM HIS POCKET) Do you really have a boyfriend?
ANNE:	No.
ARLEN:	If you did, would you want to go on walks with him?
ANNE:	Yes.
ARLEN:	Good.
ELIZABETH:	(ENTER)
ARLEN:	(JUMPS UP) Hey, you want to walk around?
ELIZABETH:	I’d love to. (CURTAIN)

SCENE

SCENE

TAKING A STROLL. DOWN ARLEN’S STREET.

ELIZABETH:	Another day. Another coffee with a famous author.
ARLEN:	Must be exhausting
ELIZABETH:	Oh, you have no idea.
ARLEN:	I hope we’re not breaking some doctor-patient rule here.
ELIZABETH:	No, it’s part of the service. No. I only have three rules. Don’t take advice from someone you wouldn’t trade places with, try not to do something you can’t take back and something is what it is and it’s not something else.
ARLEN:	I forget my rule but I think it has something to do with square dancing. (BOTH LAUGH)
ELIZABETH:	Well this is a street I probably won’t live on.
ARLEN:	Oh you never know, anything can happen
ELIZABETH:	Yeah, in the meantime, looking’s free.
ARLEN:	Well you know what he says.
ELIZABETH:	No I sure don’t.
ARLEN:	“For you and you alone I have made this place a kaleidoscope of wonder to keep your eye upon as I turn, turn the world.”
ELIZABETH:	Hmm. I don’t remember that from the book. (EXIT)

SCENE

ARLEN FABER’S SITTING ROOM.

POSTMAN:	Hello, Mr. Arlen Faber. I just wanted to stop by and drop off this letter.
ARLEN:	Who are these people?
POSTMAN:	Oh, I hope you don’t mind. I was out with my family and I remembered that I had that. (HOLDING OUT AN ENVELOPE)
ARLEN:	You told. Liar, you swore!
POSTMAN:	Now if you just give us one moment…
ARLEN:	I can’t help you. Do you understand that? Go away. Go away now.
POSTMAN:	(PLAYS A TONE. FAMILY SINGS) What a friend we have in Arlen…
ARLEN:	You gotta be fucking kidding.
POSTMAN’S FAMILY:	(SINGING) …all our sins and griefs to bear…
ARLEN:	(SLAMS THE DOOR ON THEM. LIES DOWN ON HIS COUCH. READING THE PAPER. PHONE RINGS. HE ANSWERS IT) Terry.
TERRY’S VOICE:	It’s time Arlen.
ARLEN:	No. it is not time. No it isn’t.
TERRY’S VOICE:	You promised me a forward.
ARLEN:	I already sent you something.
TERRY’S VOICE:	Yes you did. You wrote, “get your own imaginary friend” followed by a multiple choice question about Tom Selleck.
ARLEN:	Write whatever you want and I’ll sign it.
TERRY’S VOICE:	Listen, you have ten percent of the God Market. Ten percent! And I, the only person who loves you, am asking you to write a couple of pages about the book that you, Arlen, wrote about Him, God.
ARLEN:	I’ve said all I can say.
TERRY’S VOICE:	Arlen, we have let you out of every responsibility, every appearance, every book signing for the last twenty years. All that we are asking is that you write a couple of pages on the subject. What is so hard about that?
ARLEN:	Try it sometime and find out. (DISCONNECTS)

SCENE

ARLEN’S STREET.

KRIS:	(ENTER. SITS ON THE BENCH)
POSTMAN:	(ENTER)
KRIS:	Excuse me.
POSTMAN:	Yeah?
KRIS:	Do you know where Arlen Faber lives?
POSTMAN:	(GUARDEDLY) I do. (PAUSES) 2030, just there.
KRIS:	(SURPRISED) Thanks.
POSTMAN:	He threw water on my family.
KRIS:	I’m sorry. What?
POSTMAN:	We were singing the hymn and he threw a bucket of water on us. Be careful with him. Maybe he wrote “Me and God” but he did not read it. (EXIT)
KRIS:	(KNOCKS ON THE DOOR)
ARLEN:	(ANSWERS)
KRIS:	So you’re Arlen Faber.
ARLEN:	You had no idea I’d be this handsome, did you?
KRIS:	I really liked your book.
ARLEN:	I know.
KRIS:	But I need to be straight with you right now.
ARLEN:	Shoot.
KRIS:	I can’t accept any more books right now and it seems you really want to get rid of some books.
ARLEN:	Oh, you noticed, did you?
KRIS:	I’m willing to make you a deal. I could use a little advice every now and then, even from someone as obviously crazy as yourself.
ARLEN:	(NODS SLIGHTLY)
KRIS:	So here’s what I propose. I’ll let you trade me books for questions.
ARLEN:	I have a question, can you guess how much I hate this idea?
KRIS:	More than you would hate every single new-age sandal-wearing yoga-practicing fanatic who walks into my store knowing where you live?
ARLEN:	(GLARES ANGRILY)
KRIS:	Come on, just three books per visit, no one knows where you live. Except for the guy whose family you drenched. (HANDS HIM BACK THE COAT)
ARLEN:	(TAKING HIS COAT) Just a minute.  (RETURNS WITH FIVE BOOKS) Five books and you don’t get to argue with me. You ask, I answer. That’s it.
KRIS:	Deal.
ARLEN:	Now if we have completed our little Faustian bargain, I would like to go back inside and weep for the life I used to have.
KRIS:	I didn’t get to ask you…
ARLEN:	Yes, you did. (SLAMS DOOR SHUT)

SCENE

STRAIGHTEN-UP HEALING CENTRE. ARLEN LYING ON THE TABLE SMILING.       

ELIZABETH:	So how are you today?
ARLEN:	Good. Good. A little stiff but better. You?
ELIZABETH:	I’m great, really, really great.
ARLEN:	Yeah? Why is that?
ELIZABETH:	My son got a four on his paper yesterday and he feels real great.
ARLEN:	What happened to an ‘A’? Why isn’t a 1 perfect?
ELIZABETH:	I have no idea. Ok, one, two, three. (CRACKING BONES)
ARLEN:	Oh! ahh.
ELIZABETH:	Would you like to meet him? (EXITS TO BACK ROOM. ENTER WITH ALEX) Alex, this is my friend Arlen. Arlen, this is Alex.
ARLEN:	Word on the street is you got a four. Any truth to that?
ALEX:	Yes.
ARLEN:	Well congratulations.
ALEX:	Thank you.
ARLEN:	(SHAKING HIS HAND) It’s nice to meet you.
ALEX:	Nice meeting you.
ELIZABETH:	Off you go.
ALEX:	(EXIT TO BACK ROOM)
ARLEN:	A great kid.
ELIZABETH:	Yeah? Thanks.
ARLEN:	You want to know something cool about shaking hands with little people?
ELIZABETH:	Uh, okay.
ARLEN:	They see us shaking hands, but they don’t know that we squeeze the other person’s hand. So they just hold hands with you for a couple of seconds.
ELIZABETH:	That is cool.
ARLEN:	Yeah, yeah. It really is. See you soon.

SCENE

ARLEN’S STREET.

KRIS:	(KNOCKS)
ARLEN:	(OPENS DOOR IN MAROON PYJAMAS SIPPING COFFEE)
KRIS:	Why can’t I do the things I want to do? There’s so much I know I’m capable of doing that I never actually do. Why is that?
ARLEN:	The trick is to realise that you’re always doing what you want to do, always. Nobody’s making you do anything. Once you get that, you see that you are free and that life is really just a series of choices. Nothing happens to you. You choose. (HANDING HIM SEVEN BOOKS)
KRIS:	There’s seven books here.
ARLEN:	A pre-coffee penalty, two extra books. (SHUTS DOOR)
KRIS:	(RINGS DOORBELL)
ARLEN:	(ANSWERS THE DOOR IN GRAY PYJAMAS)
KRIS:	If god made everything, then why are some things bad? Like, for example the whole pain and suffering thing.
ARLEN:	Opposites. Without things that suck, you would have no idea what good news was and therefore would be directionless. You smell shit and you walk the other way. (HANDING HIM SEVEN BOOKS. SHUTS DOOR)
KRIS:	(RINGS THE DOORBELL)
ARLEN:	(ANSWERS THE DOOR IN BROWN PYJAMAS)
KRIS:	Do I have a destiny or is it all free will?
ARLEN:	(STARES AT HIM)
KRIS:	Destiny or free will?
ARLEN:	Free will, moving toward or away from a purpose. (HANDS HIM SEVEN BOOKS. SHUTS DOOR)

SCENE

STRAIGHTEN-UP HEALING CENTRE. ANNE AND ELIZABETH LISTENING TO THE ANSWERING MACHINE.   

ANSWERING MACHINE:	Hello. Straighten up healing centre.
ARLEN:	(VOICE MACHINE RECORDING) This is Arlen. Elizabeth, I felt that our walk was too short the other day. I asked you to go for a walk. Perhaps it wasn’t as long as it should be when someone asks for that. I don’t usually go for walks with people. I forget the protocol. (MUTTERS) What the hell am I talking about? I know there’s no walk protocol per se. I mean, what would that be? What could it be? (MUTTERS) Fuck. Fuck! You know, I hate answering machines. For this very reason. They’re like life, you can’t take anything back. I would like to go out with you. I would like to go out with you. Did I already say that? Tomorrow night. I hope you will call me back on my phone, the one here at my home. Fuck. (MACHINE BEEPS)
ANNE:	That was weird.
ELIZABETH:	(NODDING SLOWLY) Play it again.

SCENE

ARLEN’S STREET.

KRIS:	(RINGS DOORBELL)
ARLEN:	(OPENS DOOR EXITS HOUSE) Kris, listen. I got to go. I don’t have time to tell you why we dream or help you manifest sanity. Maybe tomorrow.
KRIS:	(HURRIEDLY) I’m trying to stay sober and my dad won’t stop drinking. How can I love him even though he’s selfish and scaring me?
ARLEN:	Um… that’s hard. I guess what’s getting in the way are your expectations. If he would do ‘x’, then you’d be happy. It doesn’t work that way. I think you have to let go of that and maybe what you want will happen and maybe it won’t. Either way you’re better off. You should go to A.A. meetings.
KRIS:	It’s hard.
ARLEN:	Yes, it is.
KRIS:	So, you want to give me some books or something?
ARLEN:	Oh twice as many next time. I’m sorry about when we met, the lap-dancing, piercing-festival comment. I didn’t know you were having such a hard time.
KRIS:	(NODDING) So you’re only awful to people who don’t have problems. It’s good to know.

SCENE

FINE DINING RESTAURANT.   

ARLEN:	You look beautiful
ELIZABETH:	Thank you. Thank you for taking me out Arlen. This is nice. (CLEARS THROAT) I bet this is where you take all your chiropractors.
ARLEN:	Is it obvious? (BOTH LAUGH) So how did you come to be the angel of alignment?
ELIZABETH:	Well I needed to start over. I needed a change and I liked the immediacy of it. People walk in, or crawl in, hurt (BOTH LAUGH) and when they leave they feel better and I did it.
ARLEN:	And the legend is born.
ELIZABETH:	Oh.
ARLEN:	What good are the gifts we have if we don’t share them?
ELIZABETH:	I like that we have that in common.
ARLEN:	(RAISING HIS GLASS) To a great chiropractor.
ELIZABETH:	(RAISING HER GLASS) To a great, transcriber of thoughts from outer space.
ARLEN:	Tell me about Alexander.
ELIZABETH:	Alex, he hates to be called Alexander.
ARLEN:	Alex. He’s great, he’s a great kid.
ELIZABETH:	He keeps me together just by being around, you know.
ARLEN:	How often does he see his dad?
ELIZABETH:	Oh, well. He hasn’t seen his father in over three years.
ARLEN:	What happened?
ELIZABETH:	Alex’s dad was one of those guys who always has a great new idea and for a while that was us. Then one day he took Alex to the park and told him that he had to go away for a little while, but he would be back in two weeks, two weeks. That turned into three years. Alex was just so little that I hope he, you know, forgot. Really, I should have known better. (STARTS TO CRY)
ARLEN:	Oh no. Are you ok?
ELIZABETH:	I guess I’m just boring you with stories about my life.
ARLEN:	No. no.
ELIZABETH:	No, this is a nice place and I’m bringing it down.
ARLEN:	Not at all, I’m listening. I want to know. He’s listening. (POINTING WITH A PROPHETIC FINGER)
ELIZABETH:	What do you want to hear? You want to hear about how I’m so freaked out that I’m not doing everything I can. That I’m so freaked out all the time that I’m afraid I’m not doing enough. That fear is turning me into somebody I don’t want to be and I can’t stop it. You have no idea what it’s like to be pulled all the time. I mean, not like Alex but by this idea that I’m not doing enough. That I am not enough.
ARLEN:	He knows. And he wants you to know that you are enough and so much more. You are here so God can experience the world through your eyes, see what you see, feel what you feel. Every day he can’t wait to see what you’ll do. What makes you laugh, what moves you. He can’t wait. Every day through you he falls in love with the world all over again. Elizabeth you are his muse. (CURTAIN)

SCENE

ARLEN’S HOME.

ELIZABETH:	Thank you. Oh my it’s so beautiful.
ARLEN:	Yes it is.
ELIZABETH:	I bet you have some great parties here.
ARLEN:	Oh no one has been inside here for five years.
ELIZABETH:	Five years?
ARLEN:	Since my father died.
ELIZABETH:	Oh I’m sorry.
ARLEN:	Me too. Hey I want to show you something.
ELIZABETH:	Okay. Why are there signs everywhere?
ARLEN:	Because my dad had Alzheimer’s and in the end it was hard for him to remember things. So the signs helped for awhile.  (OPENS THE CUPBOARD OF MONSTER MODELS) Ta-dah!
ELIZABETH:	(SURPRISED) Wow.
ARLEN:	I kind of collect them. My dad and I used to watch monster movies together and I kept the models from when I was a kid. Over the years, you know, I’d pick one up here and there at a garage sale or a science fiction expo. I really like them. I think I’ve got a pretty good collection. (PAUSES) If you like that sort of thing. Maybe not, it’s not for everybody. It’s dumb I guess, we should go sit down.
ELIZABETH:	(LAUGHING) No, I love them. I think they are wonderful.
ARLEN:	You do?
ELIZABETH:	Yeah. What are they doing all crammed in here, though? You should put them out. God knows you have the room.
ARLEN:	Where are you going?
ELIZABETH:	(PLACING IT ON THE TABLE) There, that’s better.
ARLEN:	But I don’t want it there, I want it back with the other monsters.
ELIZABETH:	Okay just try it out. Consider it an experiment.
ARLEN:	(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
ELIZABETH:	Arlen.
ARLEN:	Hmm?
ELIZABETH:	Thank you for bringing me here.
ARLEN:	Oh…
ELIZABETH:	You caught me off-guard tonight. Tell me, am I the first girl to see your monsters? (KISSES ARLEN)
ARLEN:	I’m sorry. Just give me one second, alright? Don’t go away. (REPLACES MONSTER IN CUPBOARD) I’m blowing it again, aren’t I?
ELIZABETH:	No, I love it when I’m about to kiss someone and they leave me to protect a plastic toy.
ARLEN:	(NODS) But a kiss is so much better (SHRUGS) knowing they’re safe. (KISSES ELIZABETH. CURTAINS)

SCENE

ALCOHOL REHAB. MEETING ROOM.

ED:	I just got to remember to let that shit go, you know what I mean? It’s just a car, right? It’s not life-or-death. Wasn’t that long ago if somebody cut me off I’d go on a three day binge. Now I just pray silently for death.
KRIS:	(LAUGHS OUT LOUD)
ROSS:	Hi, my name is Ross and I am an alcoholic.
GROUP:	Hi Ross.
ROSS:	That’s about all the time that we have, unless anyone has a burning desire. (TO KRIS) What about you?
KRIS:	Fine. You want me to say something? How about this? I fucking hate this. I fucking hate that I have to be here. And I fucking hate all of you and your pathetic little stories. I can’t believe I’ve ended up here. It’s fucked. I’m fucked. You’re fucked too.
GROUP:	(NODDING)
MALE MEMBER 1:	I hear that.
MALE MEMBER2:	I hear that.
PRETTY LADY MEMBER:	I hear that too.
KRIS:	Right on. (CURTAIN)

SCENE

ARLEN’S STREET.

KRIS:	So what’s the deal with heaven and hell anyway?
ARLEN:	I’ve seen hell and it’s name is Reno, Nevada.
KRIS:	Ah. (CLINK COFFEE MUGS) I can’t believe God would punish people for not believing in him.
ARLEN:	(SIPPING HIS COFFEE) Ah the rapture.
KRIS:	What’s that?
ARLEN:	Well, I like to think of it as a monster movie. The monster destroys some people and spares others.
KRIS:	So who is the monster?
ARLEN:	God. God is the monster.

SCENE

HEALING CENTRE.   

ELIZABETH:	(TO ALEX) What are we going to do with you?
ARLEN:	I can take him to the park.
ALEX:	Okay.
ELIZABETH:	No, that’s okay. It’s more complicated than you think.
ARLEN:	I can take a kid to the park.
ALEX:	Right.
ELIZABETH:	Wanna do that?
ALEX:	Yes.
ARLEN:	Yes.
ELIZABETH:	Okay, go to the park.
ARLEN:	Come on.
ELIZABETH:	Just to the park though right? Be careful. I mean have fun. Be careful. Just the park. Have fun.
ARLEN, ALEX:	(EXIT)

SCENE

PARK BENCH.

ALEX:	(LIEING UPSIDE DOWN ON THE PARK BENCH) I don’t ever want to step on a nail.
ARLEN:	Got it.
ALEX:	In your house do you have a favourite towel?
ARLEN:	Yes.
ALEX:	I can read upside down.
ARLEN:	Hey, sit up straight, I got something for you. (PULLS OUT A TOY MODEL PLANE. HANDS IT TO ALEX.) It’s a proper vehicle. For future missions. What are you waiting for? Go play already.
ALEX:	Can I?
ARLEN:	Yeah, get out of here.
ALEX:	(HOPS OF THE BENCH AND PLAYS ON THE MONKEY BARS) I don’t really have a favourite towel.
ARLEN:	Me neither. (OPENING THEIR LUNCH BAG AND HANDING ALEX A BURGER) What’s up?
ALEX:	My mom says that meat is poisonous and it can make you sick.
ARLEN:	And I say, if that’s not the best hamburger you have ever had in your life, I’ll change my name to Denise and run into the sea. Okay.
ALEX:	(TAKES A BIG BITE) Mm-hmm.
ARLEN:	Mm-hmm.
ALEX:	You have a nice piano at home.
ARLEN:	Yes, it is.
ALEX:	Can you play it?
ARLEN:	A little.
ALEX:	Will you play me something?
ARLEN:	No, I don’t want to.
ALEX:	How come?
ARLEN:	Well, it was my father’s and he died and playing it reminds me of him.
ALEX:	Was he nice?
ARLEN:	Yes, he was.
ALEX:	Do you miss him?
ARLEN:	Very much. Yes, I do.
ALEX:	Me too. Can I ask you a question?
ARLEN:	Mm-hmm.
ALEX:	How long is two weeks? (LONG PAUSE) It’s okay. I don’t know either. (CURTAIN)

SCENE

ARLEN’S HOME. LATE EVENING.

ARLEN:	(ANSWERING THE DOOR) Kris, now is not a good time.
KRIS:	My dad died today.
ELIZABETH:	Hi.
KRIS:	My dad died today.
ELIZABETH:	Oh my God.
KRIS:	I didn’t know where else to go so I just came here. I know it’s not our regular time, so you can give me some extra books if you want to.
ELIZABETH:	What’s he talking about?
ARLEN:	Nothing. Kris, now is not a good time.
KRIS:	I’m thirsty.
ELIZABETH:	Yeah Arlen, get him something to drink.
ARLEN:	Sure. (EXITS)
KRIS:	(ENTERS LIVING ROOM) I’ve never been here. The place is huge.
ELIZABETH:	It is.
KRIS:	He’s got nice stuff.
ELIZABETH:	(CHUCKLES)
ARLEN:	(ENTER)
KRIS:	(TAKING THE GLASS) Thanks.
ARLEN:	(SITS ON THE SOFA NEXT TO ELIZABETH)
KRIS:	(FINISHES THE WATER) So I came home and I found him. He was sitting at the table doing a crossword puzzle. He never does crossword puzzles.
ARLEN:	Kris just got out of rehab.
ELIZABETH:	Oh. Are you okay?
KRIS:	(NODS NERVOUSLY)
ELIZABETH:	(TO KRIS) What did you mean about extra books?
ARLEN:	Hey, let’s not talk. Let’s just sit here. That’s a good idea.
KRIS:	I own a little book store, ‘Book Trader’.
ELIZABETH:	Oh yeah. (TO ARLEN) That’s where I bought your book.
ARLEN:	Perfect.
KRIS:	Arlen tried to sell me back some books and I couldn’t afford it. So he freaked out and now I come to his house and exchange books for questions.
ELIZABETH:	You make him pay for his questions with books?
ARLEN:	Totally fair.
ELIZABETH:	No, it’s not. It’s awful.
ARLEN:	You haven’t heard the questions.
KRIS:	Arlen, I can’t feel anything… nothing. I should be able to feel something, shouldn’t I?
ARLEN:	(SIGHS)
ELIZABETH:	Do you like working at the bookstore?
KRIS:	I love the bookstore. All those ideas somebody cared enough about to put all that work into. I could never do anything like that. Sometimes I’ll just stand in the middle of the store at night and imagine that all those authors are surrounding me. I close my eyes and pretend that they’re trying to tell me something.
ARLEN:	They are. They’re saying “give me your money.”
KRIS:	(GLARES AT ARLEN)
ELIZABETH:	What else? What else do you love about the bookstore? (GOES OVER TO KRIS AND RUBS HIS HAND GENTLY. SITS BY HIS FEET)
KRIS:	I like that I feel safe there.
ELIZABETH:	Safe from what?
KRIS:	I don’t know.
ELIZABETH:	Yes you do.
KRIS:	(SHAKING HIS HEAD) No.
ELIZABETH:	(NODS ENCOURAGINGLY) Come on, safe from what?
KRIS:	Safe… safe from being scared all the time… all the time. I get so tired of it. I get so tired of being scared. I get… my dad died today.
ELIZABETH:	I know, baby. I know. (HUGGING A CRYING KRIS) I’m sorry. I’m sorry. (THEY HUG) Will you be okay?
KRIS:	Yeah.
ELIZABETH:	Come by the office this week, okay…
ARLEN:	A free adjustment?
ELIZABETH:	Ofcourse. (THEY HUG)
KRIS:	(HUGS ARLEN)
ARLEN:	Hey, I’m around, you know. If you need anything, you can come back.
KRIS:	We’ll see. (EXITS)
ARLEN:	Hey you want to…
ELIZABETH:	I need to go.
ARLEN:	Oh. Oh.
ELIZABETH:	Why is it that when you are with me you say the most amazing things but when some broken down kid who’s lost his dad needs you… nothing. Why is that?
ARLEN:	It’s complicated.
ELIZABETH:	Really? I would think something like that is easy for Arlen Faber.
ARLEN:	Hey would you just…?
ELIZABETH:	What? What is it Arlen? What are you hiding? Time’s up.
ARLEN:	You can’t do this. I showed you my monsters.
ELIZABETH:	Are you really Arlen Faber?
ARLEN:	No. Neither is Arlen Faber.

SCENE

HEALING CENTRE.

KRIS:	So when I figured out it was him, he agreed to help me as long as I didn’t tell anybody who he is.
ELIZABETH:	Why doesn’t he want anyone to know who he is?
KRIS:	I don’t know. Maybe it’s because he’s supposed to have all the answers and he’s a disaster.
ELIZABETH:	(CRACKS HIS NECK HARD)
KRIS:	Are you his girlfriend or something?
ELIZABETH:	No. (CRACKS HIS NECK AGAIN)
KRIS:	(EXCLAIMS) Were you before I told you he wore a disguise?
ELIZABETH:	No but that didn’t help.
KRIS:	Do you like him?
ELIZABETH:	Doesn’t matter. All done. Well I’ll come by the bookstore this week.
KRIS:	Better hurry. Might be going-out-of-business sale time for me.
ELIZABETH:	Oh.
KRIS:	Yeah, the first one’s free then they own you (EXIT)
ELIZABETH:	(DIALLING) Hi, it’s Elizabeth.
ARLEN:	(VOICE) Calling to apologise?
ELIZABETH:	No, look, I need to ask you a favour.
ARLEN:	Well word on the street is I don’t help anyone.
ELIZABETH:	Look, Anne isn’t here. I have a client. I’m stuck.
ARLEN:	I’m not hearing a favour in here.
ELIZABETH:	I can’t believe I’m going to ask you to do this, but could you please go and pick up Alex from school and bring him to your place and I’ll pick him up later? And do not talk to anyone.
ARLEN:	No talking.
ELIZABETH:	And I told them you are my brother.
ARLEN:	You what?
ELIZABETH:	I had to. Just please go and get him and bring him back. Just get in and get out.
ARLEN:	Pick him up, bring him back and do not talk. Got it. (DISCONNECTS)

SCENE

ALEX’S CLASSROOM.

ARLEN:	(ENTER) Hey, buddy. Your mom asked me to come and get you.
ALEX:	(HAPPILY) Okay.
TEACHER:	(ENTER) Are you here for Alexander?
ARLEN:	Yes, Alex.
TEACHER:	Oh you must be the brother.
ARLEN:	Correct.
TEACHER:	Oh. I was expecting to see her today. Today is conference day.
ARLEN:	She had a medical emergency. So I’m just going to take Alex home now.
TEACHER:	See I’m afraid that could affect Alexander getting into the advanced program.
ARLEN:	Oh well, you could just tell me. After all, I’m her brother.
TEACHER:	Fine, okay. This will just take a minute.
ARLEN:	Okay.
TEACHER:	Alex can just wait outside. Okay well, if you would… (POINTING TO A KIDDY CHAIR)
ALEX:	(EXIT)
ARLEN:	That’s nice. (ALMOST FALLS OFF)
TEACHER:	I don’t believe we’ve met.
ARLEN:	I’m Zebulon. Uncle Zebulon. Ta-dah! (WAVES)
TEACHER:	(SMILES) Well, Alexander… first let me say what a joy he is to have in class. He’s a very creative child and he makes friends with everyone. If one of the other students is hurt or upset, Alexander is always the first one to show him comfort. He is quite empathetic. And empathetic is good.
ARLEN:	Great.
TEACHER:	But in some of the other areas…
ARLEN:	Empathy, reading, friendship, what else is there?
TEACHER:	Well, math. He’s far behind the other students. He still struggles with arithmetic while the other students have moved on to multiplication.
ARLEN:	Well, you’re the teacher. Aren’t you supposed to be able to find a way to teach it to him?
TEACHER:	I have twenty-six students. I can’t devote all of my time to one student. Alexander needs to learn our very first lesson. (POINTING TO A POSTER. “I AM RESPONSIBLE”) and he is also, oh, how do I say this? Well, immature.
ARLEN:	He’s seven.
TEACHER:	Yes but he still jokes with his seatmates during a lesson and sometimes while we’re trying to have a peaceful time.  The other students still have to learn the same lessons and Alexander often makes this difficult. I think if Alexander’s really going to thrive…
ARLEN:	Let me stop you right there. I’m going to tell you a couple of things. All kids develop in different ways at different times and in different directions. Now I am confident that Alex at some point will be able to tell time and make change, which, let’s face it, just about covers it.
TEACHER:	I don’t think you are hearing me.
ARLEN:	What I am hearing is that Alex is not a good candidate to be a robot in your clone army.
TEACHER:	Zebulon.
ARLEN:	We’re going to work on the math okay. (GETTING UP) In the meantime, why don’t you try not to make him feel like being who he is, is the problem? That’s what happened to you and me, remember? Oh and by the way, his name is Alex. He fucking hates ‘Alexander’.
TEACHER:	(EXITS IN A HUFF)
ALEX:	(ENTER) Am I in trouble?
ARLEN:	I think we got her right where we want her. She says you’re a great kid but maybe you could not tell jokes while she’s talking.
TEACHER:	Okay
ARLEN:	Oh and by the way, if she asks, I’m your uncle. My name is Zebulon.
TEACHER:	Zebulon…
ARLEN:	A Hebrew name, it means “exalted”.

SCENE

KRIS’S BOOKSTORE. THE BOOK TRADER. LATE EVENING.

ARLEN:	(ENTER) Kris. Kris are you there?
KRIS:	(FROM THE SHADOWS) Go away. (SITTING ON THE FLOOR WITH A WINE BOTTLE IN FRONT OF HIM)
ARLEN:	(SITS DOWN NEXT TO HIM) What’s up with the bottle?
KRIS:	My dad’s funeral was today. I was the only person that he knew.
ARLEN:	Oh, well, I’m sure there were some people who couldn’t make it, you know.
KRIS:	No. You said everyone’s life is either moving toward or away from a purpose. Maybe my purpose is to drink.
ARLEN:	That’s not what I meant.
KRIS:	Well, I came to you, I really thought you could help me. And you know what? You did. You helped me realise that all my worst fears are true. I mean, you had the man on the phone and this is what it did for you. So I may as well go ahead and drink.
ARLEN:	That’s not what I meant.
KRIS:	Congratulations Arlen. You can have your life back now. Isn’t that what you want? (SOFTLY) Get out.
ARLEN:	(EXITS)

SCENE

ARLEN’S HOUSE.

ARLEN:	(OPENS THE DOOR) Hello.
ELIZABETH:	Hello Arlen or should I say Zebulon?
ARLEN:	It means ‘exalted’. Do you want…?
ELIZABETH:	(ENTERS HOUSE) I can’t believe I forgot about the conference.
ARLEN:	Lucky for you I was there.
ELIZABETH:	What did you say to her?
ARLEN:	Nothing. Kids develop you know. Friendship, reading. Maybe something about robots.
ELIZABETH:	(GRABS ARLEN BY THE ARM) Arlen, Mrs. Gold called me and said that she wants to recommend Alex for the advanced program.
ARLEN:	Oh well, that’s totally amazing.
ELIZABETH:	Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Just when I give up on you…
ARLEN:	Yeah, a program of advanced what?
ELIZABETH:	Placement in learning.
ARLEN:	Learning what?
ELIZABETH:	I don’t know what you mean.
ARLEN:	I mean, Mrs. Gold is kind of an uptight little control weasel and I think that school you love so much is bullshit. I would keep my kid far away from people like that. What that kid needs is confidence.
ELIZABETH:	I’m sorry, when did this go from me thanking you to you attacking me?
ARLEN:	I’m sorry. You’re welcome. I’m glad you got what you wanted.
ELIZABETH:	Are you saying Alex doesn’t have any confidence?
ARLEN:	I’m saying he’s just a little guy and all that pressure is going to fuck him up or turn him into a sales man of some kind.
ELIZABETH:	I’m sorry, when did you become an expert in child raising?
ARLEN:	I’m not the one who straps him into some death harness and then buys pretend food that’s supposed to be better than the real thing. You’re trying to turn him into your idea of who he should be instead of looking at who he is, and that’s …
ELIZABETH:	(GETTING UP TO LEAVE) Who are you to judge me? Alex is everything to me and I want to give him the very best.
ARLEN:	While you’re giving him your very best, you might want to tell him his dad’s not coming back. (GROANS)
ELIZABETH:	What did you say to him? What did you say to him?
ARLEN:	Nothing. He asked me how long two weeks was. I didn’t say anything. Look, he knows the truth, but he needs to hear it from you.
ELIZABETH:	Let me guess, God told you that. He said, “they’re having a rough time Arlen, you should go and help them.”
ARLEN:	(SHAKES HIS HEAD TO SAY NO)
ELIZABETH:	No? Ofcourse not. Because you don’t want to help anybody. You just want to sit in here and hide and watch while the rest of us try to work it out. It must be hilarious.
ARLEN:	It’s not like that.
ELIZABETH:	You know, I feel more alone now than I did before we met. (EXIT)

SCENE

THE BOOK TRADER. CROWD CLAMOURING.

KRIS:	(ENTER. MAKES HIS WAY THROUGH THE CROWD) Excuse me. (ENTERS BOOKSTORE)
DAHLIA:	Hi.
TERRY:	You must be Kris. I’m Terry. Terry Fraser. Arlen’s agent. How did you do it? Wait, I don’t want to know. I don’t care. (LAUGHS)
KRIS:	What’s going on?
TERRY:	You don’t know? Arlen is coming here to speak for the 20th- anniversary of “Me and God”. It’s a miracle. He phoned me and told me to get the books over here, said he’s already sent word to all of the websites, all of them!
DAHLIA:	Get over here.
KRIS:	What’s going on?
DAHLIA:	That Terry lady came in this morning with all these boxes of books and said that your pal Arlen is speaking here today and we’d better get busy.
KRIS:	We don’t have any money to buy books.
DAHLIA:	Kris, it was a gift.
KRIS:	Where is he?
DAHLIA:	He’s coming.
KRIS:	(WALKING OFF TO OPEN THE DOOR AND LET THE CUSTOMERS IN)
DAHLIA:	No Kris. Who’s going to help me?  (SIGHING) Hi guys.
TERRY:	There he is.
ARLEN:	(ENTER)
MAN:	I love your books.
WOMAN:	You rock Arlen.
TERRY:	Ladies and gentlemen, this is a very special occasion for all of us, something that we have waited for, for 20 years. The author of “Me and God”, the man who showed us a glimpse of heaven, Arlen Faber.
CROWD:	(CLAPS)
ARLEN:	Thank you, Terry. You were right. I should have done this a long time ago. (TO THE CROWD) thank you for coming. I would also like to thank Kris Lucas and “Book Trader” for allowing me to use their store today. This is the best bookstore in Philadelphia.
DAHLIA:	Whoo!
CROWD:	(CLAPS)
ARLEN:	Now those of you who liked the book, one person had the insight to see that this book might be useful to people. One. Terry Fraser. Terry is the one person who saw the value there. Alright, now I came here to tell you something, so just hold your applause until the end, alright?
ELIZABETH:	(ENTER)
ARLEN:	Now I know many of you have questions.
CROWD:	(CLAMOURS AND SOME PUT THEIR HANDS UP)
ARLEN:	(LOUDLY OVER THE CLAMOUR) I can’t talk to God.
CROWD:	(SILENT)
ARLEN:	Here’s the deal. A little over twenty years ago I found that my father had an illness. Everything he had and everything that we did together would be taken from him one memory at a time. Now I got this news and I begged for help from, you-know-whomever. I pleaded. Nothing. I had questions, I wanted answers, needed them. You know what it’s like. (POINTING TO KRIS) Well guess what happened. I didn’t get them and it really pissed me off. So one day I started to write the questions down. And then some answers to those questions came to me and I wrote them down too. Before I knew it, I had all these pages. One thing led to another and that’s how “Me and God” came to be. That’s it. I didn’t even really think that much of it at the time. I wish it were more amazing than that, I really do.
MAN:	Are you saying you made it all up?
ARLEN:	I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe whoever’s up there just used my anger and pain to make me part of some divine plan.
CROWD:	(NODS IN AGREEMENT)
ARLEN:	And if he did, he sure as hell didn’t let me in on it.
CROWD:	(NODS IN AGREEMENT)
ARLEN:	I’m not a guy with answers. (SEES ELIZABETH) I’m just a guy who recently crawled back to civilization on all fours.
KRIS:	Hang on, so all those questions…
ARLEN:	The best advice I had at the time and I meant every word. I’m sorry I have to go now.
KRIS:	So you are just like the rest of us.
ARLEN:	Not yet but I’m trying. (TO ELIZABETH) Look, I’m complicated and confusing and nobody needs that. Look everything I said is true. My books were not written by some invisible super being. It came from me, me. Just so you know, the answer to every question I ever had is a kid like Alex who’s got a mom like you.
CROWD:	(CLAMOURS AND SOME PUT THEIR HANDS UP FOR MORE QUESTIONS. CURTAIN)