Ratatouille

A rat named Remy dreams of becoming a great French Chef despite his family’s wishes and the obvious problem of being a rat. When fate places Remy in the sewers of Paris, he finds himself ideally situated in a famous restaurant. Despite the apparent dangers, Remy’s passion for cooking sets into motion a hilarious and exciting rat race that turns the culinary world of Paris upside down.

REMY	CHEF SKINNER
ALFREDO LINGUINI	ANTON EGO
EMILE	COLLETTE TATTOU
AUGUSTE GUSTEAU	FRANCOIS
HORST	MUSTAFA
LAROUSSE	POMPIDOU
LALO	AMBRISTER MINION
LAWYER (TALON LABARTHE)

SCENE

GRANNY’S KITCHEN. A MOUSE WATCHES T.V.

T.V. COMMENTATOR:	Although each of the world’s countries would like to dispute this fact, we French know the truth. The best food in the world is made in France. The best food in France is made in Paris and the best food in Paris, some say is made by Chef Auguste Gusteau. Chef Gusteau’s restaurant is the toast of Paris, booked five months in advance and his steady ascent to the top of Five Best Cuisines has made his competitors envious. He is the youngest chef ever to achieve a five star rating. Chef Gusteau’s book, “Anyone Can Cook”, climbs to the top of the best seller list but not everyone celebrates his success.
T.V. ANTON EGO:	(TV SCREEN CHANGES. TITLE READS: “ANTON EGO, FOOD CRITIC, THE GRIM EATER”) Amusing title, “Anyone Can Cook”, what’s even more amusing is that Gusteau actually seems to believe it. I on the other hand take cooking seriously and no, I don’t think anyone can do it!
REMY:	This to me, I think it’s apparent I need to rethink my life a little bit. What’s my problem? First of all, I’m a rat which means life is hard and second, I have a highly developed sense of taste and smell. (SNIFFING THE PASTRY ON THE COUNTER) Flour, eggs, sugar, vanilla bean, oh a small twist of lemon.
EMILE:	(ENTER) Wow you can smell all that? You have a gift!
REMY:	This is Emile my brother, he’s easily impressed.
DAD:	(ENTER) So he can easily smell ingredients. So what? (PICKING AN APPLE CORE OFF THE TABLE TOP)
REMY:	This is my dad, he’s never impressed. He also happens to be the leader of our clan. So what’s wrong with having highly developed senses? (TO DAD. THROWING THE CORE INTO THE BIN) Wo-h don’t eat that!
DAD:	What’s going on?
REMY:	Turns out this funny smell is rat poison. Suddenly dad didn’t think my talent was useless. I was feeling pretty good about my gift, until dad gave me a job.
RAT1:	(ENTER LINE OF RATS. HOLDING A HALF ROTTEN STRAWBERRY)
REMY:	(SNIFFS IT) Clean.
RAT2:	(HOLDING A HALF ROTTEN MUSHROOM)
REMY:	(sniffs it) Clean,
RAT3:	(HOLDING A HALF ROTTEN CARROT)
REMY:	(SNIFFS IT) that’s right, the poison checker. Clean.
RAT4:	(HOLDING A HALF ROTTEN BREAD)
REMY:	(SNIFFS IT) No.
RAT5:	(HOLDING A HALF ROTTEN BROCOLLI)
REMY:	Close to Godliness.
RAT5:	Huh?
REMY:	Which means clean, you know, cleanliness is close… never mind come on. Well it made my Dad proud.
DAD:	Don’t you feel better Remy you’ve helped a noble cause.
REMY:	Noble! We’re thieves dad and what we’re stealing is, let’s face it, garbage!
DAD:	It isn’t stealing if no one wants it.
REMY:	If no one wants it, why are we stealing it?
DAD:	Let’s just say we have different points of view.
REMY:	This much I know, if you are what you eat then I only want to eat the good stuff but to my dad…
DAD:	Food is fuel. Get picky about what you put in the tank then your engine is going to die. Now shut up and eat your garbage.
REMY:	But dad if we are going to be thieves, why not steal the good stuff off the kitchen shelves, where nothing is poisoned.
DAD:	First of all, we are not thieves. Secondly, stay out of the kitchen and away from the humans. It’s dangerous. Now let’s go. (EXIT RATS)
T.V. CHEF GUSTEAU:	How do you describe it? Good food has got music and taste, colours you can smell. There’s excellence all around you. You need only to know where to stop and start.
REMY:	(PICKING UP A STRAWBERRY AND A PIECE OF CHEESE. SAVOURING THE TASTE OF THEM INDIVIDUALLY) Oh! Gusteau is right, ummm, yea amazing. Each foods flavour was totally unique, but combine one flavour with another and something new was created. (LIGHTS COME ON. ENTER GRANNY. REMY EXITS FAST)

SCENE

GARBAGE BINS. REMY, EMILE PICKING GARBAGE.

REMY:	So now I had a secret life. The only one who knew about it was Emile. Emile I found a mushroom. Come on, you’re good at hiding food, help me find a good place to put this. He doesn’t understand me but I can be myself around him. (EMILE WALKING ON FOURS. REMY ON HIND LEGS)
EMILE:	What? Why are you walking like that?
REMY:	I don’t want to constantly have to wash my paws. Do you ever think about how we walk on the same paws we handle our food with? Think about what we put into our mouths.
EMILE:	All the time.
REMY:	When I eat I don’t want to taste every one of my paws.
EMILE:	Well go ahead. If dad sees you walking like that, he’s not going to like it. (PICKING UP A BROWN PAPER BAG)
REMY:	What have you got there? Oh-oho. You’ve found cheese (SNIFFS IT) and not any cheese, Tomme de Chevre du pays. That would go beautifully with my mushroom (HUGS EMILE. EMILE SITS ON THE GROUND) and oh! This rosemary with, dew drops from this sweet grass.
EMILE:	Well throw it on the pile I guess.
REMY:	Wait wait! We don’t want to throw this in with the garbage. This is special.
EMILE:	We are supposed to return to the colony before sun down or dad’s going to, you know…
REMY:	Emile! There are possibilities unexplored here. We have to cook this. Now exactly how we cook this is the real question.

SCENE

GRANNY’S KITCHEN. REMY AND EMILE SMOKING THE MUSHROOM OVER A FIRE. GRANNY ASLEEP IN FRONT OFF THE T.V.

REMY:	Key is to keep it turning to get the smokey flavour nice and even.
EMILE:	Let’s leave Remy, the storms getting closer.
REMY:	(TAKING A BITE) Oh! You’ve got to taste this. It’s got this kind of melty, oak taste, it’s a certain zap kind of taste. What do you call that kind of flavour?
EMILE:	(TAKING A BITE) Smokey?
REMY:	It’s smokey and a little saffron would make this…
EMILE:	Saffron? Why do I get the feeling…
REMY:	…it’s right here in the kitchen. (REMY LOOKS THROUGH THE SPICE JARS AND SHELVES.) Saffron, saffron…
EMILE:	I don’t like this. She’s going to wake up.
REMY:	I’ve done it a million times. She turns on the cooking channel and boom, she never wakes up.
EMILE:	You’ve been here a million times?
REMY:	That’s why I’m telling you, saffron would be just the thing. Gusteau swears by it.
EMILE:	Okay, who is Gusteau?
REMY:	Just the greatest Chef in the world who wrote this cook book. (SHOWING EMILE THE COOK BOOK, “ANYONE CAN COOK”)
EMILE:	Wait, you read?
REMY:	Well not excessively.
EMILE:	Man! Does dad know?
REMY:	(LAUGHS) You could fill a book, a lot of books with the things dad doesn’t know and they have, which is why I read, which is also our secret.
EMILE:	I don’t like secrets and all this cooking and reading and T.V. watching, while we read and cook. It’s like you’re involving me in crime and I let you. Why do I let you?
REMY:	Ah! Look, real saffron. Indian huh. Those are excellent.
T.V. GUSTEAU:	This is about your cooking…
REMY:	Hey that’s Gusteau! Let me look.
T.V. CHEF GUSTEAU:	You must cook with your heart, you must have a strong heart. You must try different things that don’t work. You must not let anyone define your limits because of where you come from. Your only limit is your soul. What I say is true, anyone can cook but only the fearless can be great.
REMY:	Pure poetry.
T.V. COMMENTATOR:	But it cannot last, Gusteau’s restaurant lost one of its five stars after the scathing review by France’s top food critic Anton Ego. It was a severe blow to Gusteau and the broken hearted Chef died shortly afterwards where according to tradition, the loss of another star.
REMY:	Gusteau is dead?
GRANNY:	(DOOR BELL RINGS. WAKES UP. SEES THE RATS SCREAMS. EXITS ROOM)
EMILE:	Come on now.
REMY:	Hey look it’s Gusteau’s delivery van. This is my chance! I have to get the cook book. (GRABS BOOK)
GRANNY:	(RE-ENTER WEARING A WELDING MASK AND A WELDING TORCH IN HAND)
REMY, EMILE:	Run!! (CURTAIN)

SCENE

BACK OF DELIVERY VAN.              

REMY:	I made it. (TURNS THE PAGES OF GUSTEAU’S BOOKS)
CHEF GUSTEAU:	(ENTER) If you are hungry, look around Remy. Why do you wait and hope? The van has finally stopped.
REMY:	Well I miss my family, I miss my friends, when will I see them again? Probably never.
CHEF GUSTEAU:	Well how do you know?
REMY:	How? (SIGHS) You are an illustration. Why am I talking to you?
CHEF GUSTEAU:	Well you just lost your family, all your friends, you are lonely.
REMY:	(SCOFFS) Yea well, you’re dead.
CHEF GUSTEAU:	But that is no match for wishful thinking. If you focus on what lies ahead. Now come on, go out and look around.
REMY:	(EXIT VAN. ENTER BACK ALLEY. GARBAGE CANS. FINDS SOME STALE BREAD)
CHEF GUSTEAU:	What are you doing?
REMY:	Well I’m hungry. I don’t know where I am and I don’t know when I’ll find food again.
CHEF GUSTEAU:	Remy you are better zan zat! You are a cook. A cook makes a thief take second place. You are not a thief.
REMY:	I am hungry.
CHEF GUSTEAU:	(LAUGHS) Food will come, food always comes to those who love to cook. (EXIT)
REMY:	(LOOKING AROUND READS A SIGN) Paris! All this time I’ve been in Paris! Wow! It’s beautiful, the most beautiful. (SEES A LARGE SIGN FEATURING GUSTEAU)
REMY:	(SPEAKING TO GUSTEAU’S SIGNAGE) Gusteau’s! Your restaurant? You have led me to your restaurant?
CHEF GUSTEAU:	It seems as though I have. Yes! I have led you to it.
REMY:	I have got to see this.

SCENE

CHEF GUSTEAU’S KITCHEN. CHEFS AND WAITERS AT WORK. REMY WATCHES FROM BEHIND SOME BOXES.

POMPIDOU:	This is please for table seven
COLETTE:	Coming around.
HORST:	I need more soup bowls please
MUSATFA:	I need two Salmon.
COLETTE:	I need plates
CHEF SKINNER:	(ENTER)
COLETTE:	Good evening Chef
HORST:	Hello Chef Skinner
POMPIDOU:	Hey boss look at this here. Alfredo Linguini, the boy, all grown up now.
LINGUINI:	Hello.
CHEF SKINNER:	Who is he?
POMPIDOU:	You remember Renata? Chef Gusteau’s girlfriend.
CHEF SKINNER:	Yes, Linguini, so nice of you to visit. How is your mother Renata?
LINGUINI:	Good, I mean not good, I mean she could be better
POMPIDOU:	She died.
CHEF SKINNER:	Oh! I’m sorry.
LINGUINI:	Don’t be. She believed in heaven. She’s covered afterlife wise… (HANDS AN ENVELOPE TO CHEF SKINNER)
CHEF SKINNER:	What’s this?
LINGUINI:	She left it for you. I think she hoped it would help, me, you know get a job, here.
POMPIDOU:	But ofcourse, Gusteau wouldn’t hesitate, any son of Renata’s would be more than welcome.
CHEF SKINNER:	Well, yes we could file this and if something suitable
HORST:	We’ve already hired him.
CHEF SKINNER:	What! How dare you hire someone without my permission?
HORST:	We needed a garbage boy.
CHEF SKINNER:	Oh, garbage, well I’m glad it worked out. (EXIT CHEF SKINNER)
POMPI, HORST:	(HAND LINGUINI HIS WORKING CLOTHES)
CHEF GUSTEAU:	(ENTER NEXT TO REMY HIDDEN IN THE KITCHEN BEHIND SOME CARTONS)
REMY:	(WATCHING FFROM BEHIND CARTONS) I can’t believe it. A real gourmet kitchen and I get to watch
CHEF GUSTEAU:	You’ve read my book, let us see how much you know. Which one is the Chef?
REMY:	(POINTING TO CHEF SKINNER WEARING A SENIOR CHEF’S HAT) That guy.
CHEF GUSTEAU:	Very good. Who is next in command?
REMY:	The sous chef, there, (COLETTE). The sous is responsible for the kitchen when the Chef’s not around. Saucier, in charge of sauces (LALO) very important. The pastry chef. The junior pastry chef. The cooks, very important.
CHEF GUSTEAU:	Ah very good, clever rat. Now, who is that? (PONTING TO LINGUINI)
REMY:	Him? He’s nobody.
CHEF GUSTEAU:	Not nobody, he is part of the kitchen.
REMY:	He washes dishes and takes out the garbage, he doesn’t cook.
CHEF GUSTEAU:	But he could.
REMY:	(LAUGHING) No.
CHEF GUSTEAU:	Why not? What do I always say? Anyone can cook.
REMY:	Yea well, anyone can that doesn’t mean that anyone should.
CHEF GUSTEAU:	(LAUGHING) well, that is not stopping him. See…
REMY:	(WATCHES LINGUINI MIX SOME SPICES IN THE SOUP) What is he doing? No! No this is terrible. You can’t… he’s ruining the soup and nobody’s noticing it! It’s your restaurant do something.
CHEF GUSTEAU:	What can I do? I am a figment of your imagination.
REMY:	(PANICKING) He’s ruining the soup we got to tell somebody now. (CAREFULLY APPROACHES THE SOUP POT AND HIDES ON THE COUNTER)
LINGUINI:	(TAKING A TASTE OF THE SOUP. CHOKES ON IT AND SPITS IT OUT IN THE SINK)
CHEF GUSTEAU:	Remy! What are you waiting for?
REMY:	(STARTLED) Is this going to become a regular thing with you?
CHEF GUSTEAU:	You know how to fix this soup, this is your chance.
REMY:	(UNOBSERVED. THROWS IN SOME BASIL, PEPPER CORNS, SOME WHITE SEEDS, LOWERS THE HEAT, WASHES HIS HANDS, PUTS IN COOKING OIL, CREAM, GARLIC, CELERY, SPRIG OF OREGANO, SALT, POTATOES, PEAS, CRUSHED LEAVES.)
LINGUINI:	(ENTER. SEES REMY. SOUP LADLE IN HAND. THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER)
CHEF SKINNER:	The soup! Where is the soup?
LINGUINI:	(GRABS REMY AND PUTS HIM IN A SACK)
CHEF SKINNER:	Out of my way. Move it garbage boy. You are cooking? (ANGRILY) How dare you cook in my kitchen, where do you get the gall to attempt to think so monumentally stupid? I should have you torn and quartered. I’ll do it! I think the law is on my side.
LINGUINI:	(WATCHES LALO FILL A BOWL OF SOUP AND HANDS IT TO MUSTAFA) But… but… no … no… no…
CHEF SKINNER:	What are you blabbering about?
LINGUINI:	The soup!
CHEF SKINNER:	Soup? Aargh (EVERYBODY WATCHES AS WAITER EXITS TO SERVE THE GUESTS) Stop that soup! Noo. Linguini! You’re fired! F-i-r-e-d. Fired!
MUSTAFA:	(RE-ENTER) She wants to see the Chef.
CHEF SKINNER:	But he… (CLEARS HIS THROAT. EXITS)
COLETTE:	(TASTING THE SOUP)
CHEF SKINNER:	(RE-ENTER) What did the customer say?
WAITER2:	It was not a customer. It was a critic.
COLETTE:	Ego?
CHEF SKINNER:	Selina Claire.
COLETTE:	Le Claire. What did she say?
WAITER2:	She likes the soup.
CHEF GUSTEAU:	Wait!
REMY:	(ESCAPING FROM THE SACK) What do you mean wait? You’re the reason I’m in this mess.
CHEF GUSTEAU:	They are talking about your soup.
CHEF SKINNER:	(TASTING THE SOUP. TO LINGUINI) What are you playing at?
LINGUINI:	Am I still fired?
COLETTE:	You can’t fire him.
CHEF SKINNER:	What!
COLETTE:	Le Claire likes him, yeah, she made a point of telling you so. If she writes a review and then finds out you fired the cook responsible.
CHEF SKINNER:	Garbage boy.
COLETTE:	Who made something she liked. How can we claim to represent the name of Gusteau if we don’t uphold his cherished belief?
CHEF SKINNER:	And what belief is that Mademoiselle Tattou.
COLETTE:	Anyone can cook.
CHEF SKINNER:	Perhaps I have been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk (TWISTING LINGUINI’S EAR) and we should reward him just as Chef Gusteau used to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him, hmm? Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you shall be responsible for it. (SHOVES LINGUINI ON COLETTE) Anyone else, hmm? Then back to work. (TO LINGUINI) you are either very lucky or very unlucky, you will make the soup again and this time I’ll be paying attention. Very close attention. They think you might be a cook but you know what I think Linguini? I think you are a sneaky over reaching little… rat! (SPOTS REMY ESCAPE FROM THE SACK.)
LINGUINI:	(RECAPTURING REMY) What shall I do now?
CHEF SKINNER:	Kill it!
LINGUINI:	Now!
CHEF SKINNER:	No not in the kitchen. Are you mad! Do you know what will happen to us if anyone knew we had a rat in the kitchen? They’d close us down. Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is. Take it away from here. Far away. Kill it! Dispose of it. Go.
LINGUINI:	(EXIT WITH REMY IN THE SACK. CURTAIN)

SCENE

LINGUINI’S ROOM.

LINGUINI:	Don’t look at me like that. You are not the only one who’s trapped, they expect me to cook it again. I mean I’m not ambitious, I wasn’t trying to cook and I was just trying to stay out of trouble. You’re the one who was getting fancy with the spices. What did you throw in there? Oregano? No? What? Rosemary? That’s a spice isn’t it? You didn’t throw a rosemary in there? Then what was all the flipping and tossing? (SIGHS) I need this job. I’ve lost so many. I don’t know how to cook and now I am actually talking to a rat as if you… oh! Did you nod? Have you been nodding? Huh! You understand me? So I’m not crazy? Wait a second, wait a second. I can’t cook, can I? But you can, right? Look don’t be so modest, you’re a rat for Pete’s sake whatever you did and they liked it. Yeah. This could work. Hey they liked the soup, do you think you could do it again? Ok I’m going to let you out now but we’re together on this. Right? Okay. (FREEING REMY) So this is it. I mean it’s not much but it’s you know, not much. Could be worse. There’s heat and light and there’s the TV, you know, so what’s mine is yours. (GIVING REMY A PIECE OF CHEESE) Ok so let’s think this out. You know how to cook and I know how to appear human. We just need to work out a system so I do what you want in a way that doesn’t look like I’m being controlled by a tiny Chef Rat. What am I thinking, I’m insane. We got to communicate. I can’t be constantly checking for a yes or no, a head shake from a rat.
REMY:	(TO AUDIENCE) One look and I knew. We had the same crazy idea. (LINGUINI PUTS ON A BLIND FOLD. REMY IS TUCKED INTO THE CHEF’S HAT)
LINGUINI:	Are you ok in there? (HANDS SHOOT UP IN THE AIR) That’s strangely involuntary. (PRACTICES WITH INVOLUNTARY ACTIONS) Wait. Where are you taking me? (BLINDFOLDED CONTROLLED LIKE A PUPPET. OPENS FRIDGE DOOR. SELECTS VEGETABLES, FLIPS PANCAKES, MIXING IN A BOWL AT VARIOUS SPEEDS, POURING PASTA FROM A PACKET, POURING LIQUIDS INTO A MEASURING CUP, CHOPPING, CUTTING AND COOKING)

SCENE

GUSTEAU’S KITCHEN. EVERYONE HARD AT WORK.

GUSTEAU:	Congratulations. You were able to repeat your accidental success but you will need to know more than soup if you are going to survive in my kitchen, boy. Colette will be responsible for teaching you how we do things here. (EXIT)
LINGUINI:	Colette I just want you to know how honoured I am to be studying under such…
COLETTE:	No you listen, I just want you to know exactly who you are dealing with. How many women do you see in this kitchen? Only me, why do you think that is?
LINGUINI:	Well, I…
COLETTE:	Because Haute Cuisine is an antiquated hierarchy built around rules written by stupid old men who design it to make it impossible for women to enter this world but still I’m here. How did this happen?
LINGUINI:	Well…
COLETTE:	Because I am the toughest cook in this kitchen I worked too hard for too long to get here and I’m not going to jeopardise it for some garbage boy who got lucky. Got it!
LINGUINI:	Wow! (CURTAIN)

SCENE

CHEF SKINNER’S OFFICE.

CHEF SKINNER:	(SITTING AT HIS DESK READING RENATA’S LETTER. PICKS UP THE PHONE) Get my lawyer!
LAWYER:	(ENTER. READS LETTER) Well there is a will which stipulates a period of two years from the date of death, if no heir appears, Gusteau’s business interests will pass to his Sous Chef, you.
CHEF SKINNER:	I know what the will stipulates. What I want to know is if this letter, if this boy changes anything.
LAWYER:	There’s not much resemblance.
CHEF SKINNER:	There’s no resemblance at all. He’s not Gusteau’s son, Gusteau had no children and what about the timing of all this. The deadline in the will expires in less than a month! Suddenly some boy arrives with a letter from his recently deceased mother claiming Gusteau is his father. Highly suspect.
LAWYER:	(TAKING A CHEF’S CAP FROM A TROPHY CASE) Is this Gusteau’s?
CHEF SKINNER:	Yes.
LAWYER:	But the boy does not know.
CHEF SKINNER:	She claims she never told him or Gusteau and she asks that I not tell.
LAWYER:	What does she want?
CHEF SKINNER:	A job, for the boy.
LAWYER:	Only a job?
CHEF SKINNER:	Well, yes.
LAWYER:	Then what are you worried about? If he works here you’ll be able to keep an eye on him while I do a little digging, find out how much of this is real. This hair sample will do nicely. I will need you to collect some DNA samples from the boy, hair maybe.
CHEF SKINNER:	Mark my words, the whole thing is highly suspect. He knows something.
LAWYER:	Relax he’s a garbage boy. I think you can handle him. (CURTAIN)

SCENE

GUSTEAU’S KITCHEN.   

LINGUINI:	(ADDING GREENS TO A SOUP)
COLETTE:	What are you doing?
LINGUINI:	I’m cutting vegetables.
COLETTE:	No! You waste energy and time. You think cooking is a cute job eh? Like mummy in the kitchen. Well mummy had to never face the dinner rush where the orders come flooding in and every dish is different and none are simple at all and all have different cooking times but must arrive on the customers table at exactly the same time and in chopping, every second counts and you cannot be mummy! What is this? (POINTING TO A PILE OF POTS) Keep your station clear. (MOVING POTS TO SINK) When the food rush will come what will happen? Messy stations slow things down. The food doesn’t go, orders pile up, disaster! I’ll make this easy to remember, keep your station clear or I will kill you. (FLINGS KITCHEN CLOTH IN LINGUINI’S FACE)
LINGUINI:	(STIRRING IN A BOWL)
COLETTE:	Yuck. Your sleeves look like you threw up on them. Keep your hands and arms in close to the body like this, see, always return to this position. Cooks move fast, sharp utensils, hot metal, you keep your arms in, you will minimise cuts and burns, keep your sleeves clean. Mark of a chef. Messy apron, clean sleeves. (PEELING PEAS. LINGUINI JOINS IN) In every dish Gusteau always has something unexpected, I will show you. I memorised all his recipes.
LINGUINI:	(WRITING IT DOWN) Always do something unexpected.
COLETTE:	No follow the recipe.
LINGUINI:	But you just said…
COLETTE:	No no no. It was his job to be unexpected, it is our job to follow the recipe. (BREAD TROLLEY PASSES BY. COLETTE GRABS ONE) How do you tell how good a bread is without tasting it? Not the smell, not the look but the sound, the crust, oh! A symphony of crackle. Only great breads are this way. (ZESTING THE LEMONS) The only way to get the best produce is to have first pick of the day and there are only two ways to get first pick. Go out yourself of bribe the grocery boy. Voila! The Best Restaurant get first pick. (SKINNING POTATOES) People think haute cuisine is snooty, so Chef must also be snooty but not so, Mustafa there ran away from home at twelve, got hired by circus people as an acrobat and then he get fired for messing around with the ring masters daughter. Horst has done time.
LINGUINI:	What for?
COLETTE:	No one knows for sure. Changes the story everytime you ask him.
HORST:	(SHARPENING HIS KNIVES) I defrauded a major corporation. I robbed the second largest bank in France using only a ball point pen. I created a hole in the ozone above Iraq. I killed a man with this thumb. (HOLDS UP HIS RIGHT THUMB)
COLETTE:	Don’t ever play cards with Pompidou. He’s been banned from Las Vegas and Monte Carlo. Larousse ran guns for the resistance.
LINGUINI:	Which resistance?
COLETTE:	He won’t say. Only they didn’t win. So you see, we are artists, pirates, oh the cooks are we.
LINGUINI:	Oui
COLETTE:	Oui. You are one of us now, Oui?
LINGUINI:	Oui. Thank you by the way for all the advice about cooking.
COLETTE:	Thank you too.
LINGUINI:	Thank you for what?
COLETTE:	For taking my advice.
MUSTAFA:	(ENTER) Someone has asked for something new.
CHEF SKINNER:	(ENTER) New?
MUSTAFA:	Something special.
HORST:	Well what did you say?
MUSTAFA:	I said I would ask.
CHEF SKINNER:	What is this about?
HORST:	A customer is asking what is new.
MUSTAFA:	What could I tell them?
CHEF SKINNER:	What did you tell them?
MUSTAFA:	I told them I would ask.
CHEF SKINNER:	This is simple. Pull out an old Gusteau recipe, something we haven’t made in awhile.
MUSTAFA:	They know about your stuff, they liked Linguini soup.
ALL:	(GASP)
CHEF SKINNER:	They are asking for food from Linguini?!
MUSTAFA:	A lot of customers liked the soup, that’s all we’re saying.
CHEF SKINNER:	Very well, if it’s Linguini they want, tell them Chef Linguini has prepared something special for them, something definitely off menu. Don’t forget to stress its Linguini. (TO LINGUINI) Now is your chance to try something worthy of your talent Linguini. A forgotten favourite of the Chef’s, sweet bread a la Gusteau. Colette will help you.
COLETTE:	Oui Chef.
CHEF SKINNER:	Now hurry up, our diners are hungry.
LAROUSSE:	(TO CHEF SKINNER) Are you sure? That recipe was a disaster. Gusteau himself said so.
CHEF SKINNER:	Just the sort of challenge our budding chef needs
COLETTE:	(READING THE RECIPE) Sweet bread a la Gusteau. Sweet bread contains sea weed salt crust with cuttle fish tentacle, dog rose puree, wee duck egg, red white fungus and anchovy liquorice sauce. I don’t know this recipe but it’s Gusteau’s so.
LINGUINI:	(CONTROLLED BY REMY HIDING IN THE CAP. WORKS QUICKLY. SEARCHES ALL OVER AND GATHERS ALL THE INGREDIENTS) (TO POMPIDOU) I’ll be back, thank you. (CHEF’S WATCHING HIM WORK WITH JERKY MOVEMENTS)
COLETTE:	What are you doing? You are supposed to be preparing Gusteau’s recipe.
LINGUINI:	(WORKING) This is Gusteau’s recipe.
COLETTE:	The recipe doesn’t call for white wine and oil what else are you putting. Huh. You are improvising? This is no time to experiment, customer are waiting.
LINGUINI:	(WORKING) You’re right. I should listen to you. (POKES HIS CHEF’S HAT, HIS HAND INVOLUNTARILY SMACKS HIS FACE)
COLETTE:	Stop that.
LINGUINI:	(WORKING) Stop what?
COLETTE:	You’re freaking me out. Whatever you are doing, stop it.
HORST:	For the special order.
COLETTE:	Coming. I thought we were together on this.
LINGUINI:	(WORKING) We are together.
COLETTE:	Then what are you doing?
LINGUINI:	(WORKING) Very hard to explain.
HORST:	Awaiting the special!
COLETTE:	Come get it. Wait! I forgot the anchovy liquorice sauce.
LINGUINI:	(QUICKLY POURS HIS SAUCE OVER IT)
COLETTE:	(GASPS) How dare you.
LINGUINI:	I didn’t! I didn’t!
MUSTAFA:	(CARRIES OUT THE DISH)
LINGUINI:	I’m sorry.
CHEF SKINNER:	(ENTER) Is linguini’s dish done yet?
HORST:	Ya, it’s as bad as we remember. Just went out.
CHEF SKINNER:	Did you taste it?
HORST:	Ya, ofcourse, before he changed it.
CHEF SKINNER:	What! How can he change it?
HORST:	He changed it as it was going out through the door.
MUSTAFA:	(BURSTING IN) They love it! They are all asking about it. Asking about Linguini. There are seven more orders.
CHEF SKINNER:	(GRITTING HIS TEETH AND CLENCHING HIS HANDS) That’s wonderful. (EXIT)
WAITER2:	Special order.
WAITER3:	Special order.
HORST:	(ALL CHEFS ATOASTING AND CHEERING) Hey! To linguini. Cheers ya. Thumbs up and cheers. You’ve done a good job.
LINGUINI:	We really did it tonight.
CHEF SKINNER:	I’d love to have a little talk with you Linguini in my office.
LINGUINI:	Am I in trouble?
CHEF SKINNER:	Trouble? No. a friendly chat (EXIT CHEF SKINNER, LINGUINI)
HORST:	(TO COLETTE) The chef won’t be coming to you for advice any more, eh Collette. He’s got all he needs. (LIGHTS SWITCH OFF. KITCHEN GOES DARK)
COLETTE:	(NEXT MORNING. ENTER)
LINGUINI:	(DOING THE DISHES AND THE FLOORS)
COLETTE:	Morning. So, the Chef invited you in for a friendly chat, that’s big, that’s big and now you have a deep personal relationship with the Chef. Oh I see how it is. You get me to teach you a few kitchen tricks to dazzle the boss and then you blow past me. I thought you were different. I thought you thought I was different. I thought, slaps his face. I didn’t have to help you. If I looked out only for myself, I would have let you drown but I wanted you to succeed. I like you. My mistake! (EXIT)
LINGUINI:	Colette, wait. Colette. Oh it’s over little chef I can’t do it anymore. Colette wait.
COLETTE:	(RE-ENTER)
LINGUINI:	Look, I’m no good with words, I’m no good with food either, atleast not without your help.
COLETTE:	I hate false modesty. Just another way to lie. (SIGHS)
LINGUINI:	No but I don’t, I really really don’t. It’s not me. When I added that extra ingredient instead of following the recipe like you said, that wasn’t me, either.
COLETTE:	What do you mean?
LINGUINI:	I mean, I wouldn’t have done that. I would have followed the recipe, I would have followed your advice and I would have followed your advice to the ends of the earth because I like you.
COLETTE:	What?
LINGUINI:	But I erm, I have a secret. It’s sort of disturbing I have a r... I have a ra.
COLETTE:	You have a rash?
LINGUINI:	No no. I have this tiny, little, little chef who tells me what to do.
COLETTE:	A tiny chef.
LINGUINI:	Yea, yes, he’s up here. (PONTING TO HIS CHEF’S HAT)
COLETTE:	In your brain.
LINGUINI:	Argh, why is it so hard to talk to you. Ok here we go. You, inspire me, I’m going to risk it all. I’m going to risk looking like the biggest idiot psycho you’ve ever seen. You want to know why I’m such a fast learner! You want to know why I’m such a great cook. Don’t laugh, I’m going to show you. (CURTAINS)

SCENE

STATELY OFFICE OF ANTON EGO. ANTON EGO TYPING AT HIS MASSIVE AND STATELY DESK.

AMBRISTER:	(ENTER)
ANTON EGO:	What is it Ambrister?
AMBRISTER:	Gusteau’s…
ANTON EGO:	Finally closing, is it?
AMBRISTER:	No.
ANTON EGO:	More financial trouble?
AMBRISTER:	No. It’s…
ANTON EGO:	Announced a new line of microwave egg rolls? What, what? Spit it out.
AMBRISTER:	It’s come back. It’s (PAUSES) popular.
ANTON EGO:	(SPITTING OUT HIS DRINK) I haven’t reviewed Gusteau’s in years
AMBRISTER:	No sir.
ANTON EGO:	My last review condemned it to the tourist trade. (OPENING A DRAWER AND RETRIEVING A FILE)
AMBRISTER:	Yes sir.
ANTON EGO:	(READING FROM THE FILE) What I said. Gusteau has finally found his rightful place in history, right alongside another equally famous chef Monsieur Boyarty.
AMBRISTER:	Touché.
ANTON EGO:	That is where I left it. That was my last word. The last word.
AMBRISTER:	Yes.
ANTON EGO:	Then tell me Ambrister, how could it be popular?

SCENE

CHEF SKINNER’S OFFICE.

CHEF SKINNER:	No no no no no no no!
LAWYER:	The DNA matches, the timing works, everything checks out. He is Gusteau’s son.
CHEF SKINNER:	This can’t just happen. The whole thing is a setup. The boy knows. Look at him out there pretending to be an idiot. He’s toying with my mind like a cat with a ball of something.
LAWYER:	String?
CHEF SKINNER:	Yes! Taunting me making me think he is important.
LAWYER:	Is he important?
CHEF SKINNER:	Ofcourse not, he just wants me to think he is but oh no, I refuse to be sucked into his little game of…
LAWYER:	Should I be concerned about you?
CHEF SKINNER:	I can’t fire him now. He’s getting too much attention. If I fire him now, everyone will wonder why and the last thing I want is people looking into this.
LAWYER:	What are you so worried about? Isn’t it good to have the press, isn’t it good to have Gusteau’s name getting headlines
CHEF SKINNER:	Not if they all have his face. Gusteau already has a face and it’s fat and lovable, familiar and it sells burritos. Millions and millions of burritos.
LAWYER:	The deadline passes in three days. Then you can fire him whenever he ceases to be valuable and no one will ever know.
LAWYER, CHEF SKIN:	(EXIT)
COLETTE:	(ENTER. OPEN CUPBOARD NEXT TO DESK. TAKES OUT A JAR. GLANCES OVER CHEF SKINNER’S DESK) Hey, Gusteau’s will. This is interesting, don’t mind if I take a quick look. Linguini. Why would Linguini be filed with Gusteau’s will. This used to be Gusteau’s office. (READING A SHEET) DNA Report. (READING FROM ANOTHER SHEET) Gusteau’s restaurant’s heir is Linguini, Gusteau’s son! He’s Gusteau’s son! (GRABS THE LETTER AND THE WILL. EXIT)
CHEF SKINNER:	(NEXT MORNING. ENTER. ALL SEATED)
LINGUINI:	(LAUGHING)
CHEF SKINNER:	You! Get out of my office.
COLETTE:	He’s not in your office, you are in his.
CHEF SKINNER:	(EXIT)
ALL:	(CLINKING GLASSES AND CELEBRATING)
COLETTE:	(ENTER REPORTERS) The reporters are here.
REPORTER1:	You are the rising star chef and you have been declared the owner of Gusteau’s, any comments?
REPORTER2:	Your rise has been meteoric yet you have no formal training. What is the secret to your genius?
LINGUINI:	Secret? You want the truth? I am Gusteau’s son. It’s in my blood I guess. (POSING FOR PHOTOGRAPHS WITH A PAN IN EACH HAND)
REPORTER3:	But you weren’t aware of that fact until very recently.
LINGUINI:	No.
PEPORTER4:	And it resulted in you taking ownership of this restaurant. How did you find out?
LINGUINI:	Well, some part of me just knew. The Gusteau part. (REFLEX ACTION, PAN KNOCKS AGAINST HIS HEAD) Ow!
REPORTER1:	We’ve heard you can’t get a booking for three months.
REPORTER2:	Where do you get your inspiration?
LINGUINI:	Inspiration has many names. Mine is named Colette. (SQUEAKING SOUND HEARD. DOOR OPENS. ENTER ANTON EGO)
ALL:	(GASP, MURRMUR)
ANTON EGO:	You are monsieur Linguini. Pardon me for interrupting your premature celebration but I thought it only fair to give you a sporting chance as you are new to this game.
LINGUINI:	Erm, game?
ANTON EGO:	Yes and you’ve been playing without an opponent, which is, as you may have guessed, against the rules.
LINGUINI:	You’re Anton Ego.
ANTON EGO:	(LAUGHS) You’re slow for someone in the fast lane.
LINGUINI:	And you’re thin for someone who likes food. (ALL GASP)
ANTON EGO:	(RETORTS) I don’t like food, I love it. If I don’t love it, I don’t swallow. I will return tomorrow night with high expectations. Pray you don’t disappoint me. (CURTAINS)

SCENE

GUSTEAU’S KITCHEN.

COLETTE:	Today is the big day, you should say something to them.
LINGUINI:	Like what?
COLETTE:	You are the boss, inspire them.
LINGUINI:	Attention. (LOUDER) Attention everyone! Tonight is a big night. Appetite is coming and he’s going to have a big ego and he’s going to order something, something from our menu (COLETTE BURYING HER HEAD IN HER HANDS) and we’ll have to cook it. Sure he took away a star the last time he reviewed it, sure it probably killed Gust…dad,
LALO:	Oh this is very ba-ad juju right here
LINGUINI:	But I’ll tell you one thing.
MUSTAFA:	Ego is here.
ALL:	(MURMUR)
HORST:	He’s here.
COLETTE:	Anton Ego is just another customer. Let’s cook. Does he know what he thinks he would like to order?
MUSTAFA:	Yes. After reading a lot of over puffery about the new Chef, he is craving, a little perspective.
COLETTE:	That’s it?
MUSTAFA:	He’d like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you also suggest a good pie to go with that?
COLETTE:	A what?
MUSTAFA:	Perspective. He’s made us a deal. We provide the food and he’ll provide the perspective.
COLETTE:	Chef Linguini, Anton Ego will eat whatever you dare to serve him. Hit him with our best shot. What are you waiting for? Tell us what to do.
LINGUINI:	(TO KITCHEN STAFF) I know this sounds insane, but well the truth sounds insane sometimes but that doesn’t mean it’s not. The truth and the truth is, I have no talent at all. (LIFTS OFF HIS CHEF’S HAT EXPOSING REMY) But this rat, he’s the one behind these recipes. He’s the cook. The real cook. He’s been hiding under my tope. He’s been controlling my actions. He’s the reason I can cook the food which is exciting everyone, the reason Ego is outside that door. You’ve been giving me credit for his gift. I know it’s a hard thing for everyone to believe but hey you believed I could cook right. Look this works, it’s crazy but it works. We can be the greatest restaurant in Paris and this rat. This brilliant little chef can lead us there. What do you say? You with me?
HORST:	(HANDS IN HIS APRON AND LEAVES)
ALL:	(HAND IN APRONS AND EXIT. COLETTE AND LINGUINI STAY)
COLETTE:	(TO REMY) We’re cooks. You tell us what to do and we’ll get it done. (PUTTING POTS ON THE STOVES) Make sure that steak is well tenderised. Get a move, get a move. Let’s go, more butter.
LINGUINI:	I need cheese, have to grate the cheese.
COLETTE:	I have to keep whisking.
LINGUINI:	(WORKING WITH REMY) Taste checks, spoons. Good. Needs a little salt.
KITCHEN CREW:	(RE-ENTER)
LINGUINI:	You came back.
POMPIDOU:	Don’t say a word, before I change my mind tell me what the rat wants to cook.
REMY:	(HANDING OVER A RECIPE CARD)
COLETTE:	Ratatouille! It’s a peasant dish. Are you sure you want to serve this, to Ego?
REMY, LINGUINI:	(NOD)
COLETTE:	What? I am making Ratatouille. How would you prepare it?
REMY:	(GIVING HER CORJETS TO GRATE….ALL CHEFS WORK TOGETHER IN UNISON UNDER REMY)
WAITER2:	Specials?
COLETTE:	Take it.
WAITER2:	(EXITS WITH PLATES)
ANTON EGO:	(ENTER KITCHEN) I can’t remember the last time I asked the waiter to give my compliments to the Chef. Who do I thank for the meal?
LINGUINI	Erm…
COLETTE:	If you wish to meet the Chef you will have to wait until all the other customers have gone.
ANTON EGO:	So be it. (CURTAIN)
ALL:	(NEXT MORNING)
NEWSPAPER MAN:	Your review appears.
LAROUSSE:	(READS FROM THE NEWSPAPER) For a critic, it’s easy, we risk very little yet enjoy the position of those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgement. We thrive on negative criticism which is fun to write and to read but the bitter truth we critics must face is that in the grand scheme of things the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism decimating itself but there are times when a critic truly risks something and that is in the discovery and defence of the new. The world is often unkind unto new talent, new creations. New needs friends. Last night I experienced something new. An extraordinary meal from a singularly unexpected source. To say that both the meal and the maker chose to challenge my preconceptions about fine cooking is a gross understatement. They have rocked me to my core. In the past I have made no secret of my disdain for Chef Gusteau’s famous motto, anyone can cook. But I realised only now, I truly understand what he meant. Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere. It is difficult to imagine more humble origins than those of the genius now cooking at Gusteau’s who is in this critics opinion, nothing less than the finest chef in France. I will be returning to Gusteau’s soon, hungry for more. (CURTAIN)